I've got my gym shorts and my flippy floppies

[bornagoddess]

It was a beautiful day. A beautiful, outdoors-worthy kind of day. And it was completely due to the fact that Sif was once again a woman. She hadn't gone to find one of her new female friends for clothes yet, or gone back home to get her own gear, and so Sif was sporting the same diminutive training garb Natasha had lent her weeks ago. However, this time she had paired the clothes with some peculiar shoewear, platforms that held onto the feet by a simple strap between your big toe and the rest - the lady at the shop had called them 'flip flops'. Egged on by her so casual attire, Sif had gone outside instead of heading for the training room, to walk the grounds and catch some sunlight.

With this wonderful day it was even fitting that her clothes exposed some of her midriff and calves. Her hair was flowing uncharacteristically lose behind her back and Sif more glided than walked through the grass. Really it was all relief. While she had enjoyed herself as a man Sif had began to wonder if she would never go back to who she really was, who she felt like. Even despite the embarrassment of having had her pants drop in front of strangers, and her top cover very little of her breasts, Sif had not felt so good in weeks. And, apparently, it was a feeling meant to last.

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[bornagoddess]

"Less bitter?" Sif tried, head tilted as she sported a teasing smile. "More prone to smiling? Lighter on your feet?" She nodded silently when he agreed, though in her hopeful ignorance Sif liked to think the Nexus, with all its doors and places to go was enough for Loki's ever-searching needs.

Her smile faltered completely when Loki suggested she tell him what he did in his future. Sometimes it felt like a fool's errand. It was Sif's biggest fear that it was. "You scare me, when you speak of it so lightly, but I suppose if no one told you you can't know. It won't lighten the mood but then, I still have the hope I can somehow keep you from all of it. You commit despicable deeds. Unforgivable. You are no longer yourself, you become twisted, consumed. Every chance you're given at diverting from your dark path, you squander. And your redemption comes only in death. And I hardly see you again."

As one last mad attempt before leaving it enough alone forever, Sif took Loki's hand in hers. "You become so alone, and no one can reach you. You won't let us, and then later we won't want to. And I will spend the rest of my time wondering what I could have done to keep you." All that said, Sif let go of Loki's hand and took the bottle again, closing her eyes. She downed the whole of it in one sitting, breathing through her nose all the while. When she was done Sif discarded the bottle behind herself and drew a long breath.

"Right I think now we're done with the serious business. So I suggest we speak of the pretty shapes clouds make and of how this light favors my complexion. Or so I'm told."

[thelostprince]

Loki was supremely startled, which was a difficult thing to accomplish - yet Sif had managed it. In all of her earnesty, and in that kind-heartedness she so rarely displayed, for a moment he was at a loss for words. These instances came to him sometimes in extreme duress, like when Thor said something particularly hurtful, but rarely had he been startled into silence by so simple an action as Sif reaching out and taking his hand. To offer such a touch was one thing, as he had done earlier, with little difficulty; but to receive it, especially one so forward and plain like taking his hand, was unexpected to say the least, harder to understand.

In response, all Loki really wanted to do was reassure her, as she seemed to take his hand in a moment of her own distress. It took him a moment to realize she had already let go, and was drinking the wine, before he even managed to think of a response. "I'll do my best to remember that," he said slowly. He was trying to separate the words in his head, from the description of his future to Sif's apparent response to it. He would not have expected her to cling and yet, from what she said, it seemed like she may have done it all the same.

He glanced up at the aforementioned light. "It does favour you," he said. "Though I should say you favour your surroundings more." The flattery - so close to flirtation - tripped off of his lips before he could stop it, not that he particularly wanted to. He wanted her to hear something nice. He wasn't sure if she realized she had just done similar to him.

[bornagoddess]

Upon seeing the startled look on Loki's face Sif wanted to stop speaking, and yet she found she couldn't. This was the chance she had been waiting for to lay it all out, and now that she had started she couldn't very well stop. When she did, and downed the rest of the wine, Sif felt at once weightless and like something was pushing down on her shoulders enough to bury her in the ground. Loki's tentative vow was enough, had to be enough. Sif nodded slowly. "Thank you. That is all I can ask." There wasn't much hope in her at that moment, as Sif had realized upon exposing the facts that it was not up to her to actively change anything. And perhaps things could not be changed, or perhaps she would not see the effects in her own version of Asgard. Dimensions, universes, these were things she struggled to understand, and Sif was not sure if anything changed in her own past if Loki tried to change his future. It remained to be seen but so far...she remembered everything the same.

Now it was Loki's turn to be flattering, even complimenting. Ignoring how her heart fluttered slightly at it, when Sif furrowed her brow it was a testament to how unused she was to that. She gave Loki a smile, thankful as well as surprised, and realized she did not know how to reply. She turned around, laying flat on her back. Her eyes fluttered to a close against the bright sunlight. "I could do this for days. I am not typically lazy but something about enjoying the radiant sun with y- with an old friend has started to sound like the top of a small list of things I ought to do a lot more of."

[thelostprince]

Even though they had been friends for a long time it was still rare to see Sif like this. Like him she had an exterior shell that was difficult to crack, or which she held up like a shield when it suited her, which was often. She was a warrior first and foremost, after all, and it was unusual to see anything less.

He really ought to reach for the second bottle of wine and open it, but instead he looked at her stretched out in the sunlight, admiring the familiar planes of her face, and, of course, the rest of her - for let it never be said that Sif was an unattractive woman, and though she was just as beautiful in her armour and half-beaten to a pulp, in too-small sweatclothes she was also nice to look at.

"I am new to the belief that one should be at ease every now and then," he said. "But I am becoming an avid disciple of said belief." It was true that he felt less of a strain, now, than he did when he was trying to keep his mind heavily occupied - not that he was losing his edge, but rather the continued act of thinking and musing and brooding, the hourly grind of his intellect, was weighing heavy on him. It was easier to relax with company, he had learned; he could blame part of the success on Sif.

[bornagoddess]

Despite her closed eyes Sif could feel Loki's gaze on her. Unlike most other times, she found she did not mind at all. Her breath had reached a steady, slow pace and she found it was the most relaxed she had been lately. Perhaps it was that all she'd wanted to tell Loki ever since she had laid eyes on him again had been said. It was out of the way, it was in his hands. There was a sense of liberation to that.

"As am I." She agreed. "I am only reluctant because I am not used to it at all." And because she was only considering it since Lorelei, of all people, had put that worm into her mind. For that reason alone Sif was reluctant to even seriously consider it, and yet she found herself paying it mind more often than she liked. "This place lends itself to this sort of thing, does it not? It is as though we put our lives on hold and escape. The Nexus is tricky, but not all bad." Much like someone she knew. Sif opened her eyes slightly, smiling up at Loki as she made the association.

[thelostprince]

"You are the type that if you are not breaking a sweat, the hour is wasted," Loki said, dryly. Loki would never consider himself lazy, though he divided his time between pursuits both physical and mental (and many on Asgard considered sitting down with a book - or twenty - to be a rather unambitious way of spending the time). Sif, however, spent a good deal more time at the gym and on the training field than him.

"This place does lend itself well to many diversions, yes," he agreed. Though his voice was solemn, when she looked up at him with that little smile, he smiled back. He also took advantage of her laying down next to him to pull up some grass and sprinkle it onto her bared stomach. Loki, childish? Never.

[bornagoddess]

"And you are the type that if you are not sharpening your mind, the hour is wasted!" Sif quipped back without malice. It was just how they were. Sif liked to think they complimented each other rather well that way, because neither was he clueless as to the battle side of things, nor was she all brawn and no brains. She sighed. "And yet, here we both are."

Loki's little childish gesture had been unexpected, and as Sif felt the itching on her stomach she raised her head to find it sprinkled with grass. She looked up at Loki, rolling her eyes, and pushed the grass from her stomach with the back of her hand. "Feeling playful are we?" A long while had gone by since the last time she had seen him so. It was only good sense to take advantage of it. Sif ripped a handful of grass from the ground and blew it off her open palm in Loki's direction.

[thelostprince]

"Yet, here we are," Loki agreed. He enjoyed victories in his pursuits, even now, and even though he did not enjoy them for very long. Satisfaction was not in his nature, and yet as he considered it he supposed he could try to pursue even that, should he have such company as Sif. When she didn't annoy him, anyway, as he was annoying her.

Loki blinked as Sif blew a handful of grass at him in response, and smirked. "Playful?" he asked. "I'm sure I don't understand what you mean." He reached over, picking up the second bottle of wine, and opening it. The hotel and other similar places that Midgardians enjoyed liked to bottle their alcohol with twisting caps instead of corks, and he was really beginning to appreciate the ease of it.

[bornagoddess]

Sif's laughter at Loki's denying remark came with a roll of the eyes that was much less heartfelt than usual. As she watched him open the second wine bottle Sif found that she became quite overwhelmed by how easy this was. She had not been this comfortable with Loki in such a long while, and for such awful reasons that it had all but obliterated the good times they had spent together.

A deep sigh of contentment escaped her, after which Sif's eyes widened in surprise at her own lack of restraint. She had never been able to successfully hide her own emotions from her face, but this went beyond that. Attempting to disguise the sound would be ridiculous, and so Sif simply braced for Loki's reaction to such unguarded manifestations of pleasure in his company.

"It has been some time since I have seen you up to such harmless and good-natured mischief." She eventually managed as explanation, turning her face away from Loki.

[thelostprince]

If Loki was surprised by Sif (and he was) he did not show it. She was sensitive to his teasing these days and at the moment he did not want to upset what he viewed as a somewhat precarious balance of contentment in their discourse. He would rather Sif continue on, unfettered. He was unused to such candour with her, especially now, and almost selfishly Loki wanted to hoard it - though it didn't occur to him that in that selfishness he was in turn being kind.

"Oh yes?" he asked instead. "Probably because you seem to appreciate it more than others on Asgard. The more harmless I appear, the less respect I seem to receive; and the less harmless I am, the less I am loved. Not so with you, I think. To be both fierce and beloved is a privilege held by warriors such as yourself."

[bornagoddess]

The surprise factor went on as the expected teasing about Sif's deep sigh of pure contentment never came. She remained still, waiting for it, and found herself waiting in vain. As it didn't come, Sif's eyes remained wide in surprise as he spoke. She could feel the bitterness oozing from his words and in response she gave another deep sigh - this time a joyless one.

"I believe it is less about fierceness and more about where it is directed, Loki." That was, for now, all she had to say on the matter of their home and its collective response to Loki. It was beginning to feel like they could go around in circles about this matter for days never convincing one another of much. Although there was one thing Loki had managed to convince Sif of: He did not belong in Asgard any longer. And for all the pain that truth caused her, she wanted him to find somewhere he could feel welcomed and comfortable and like he belonged - wherever that place might be.

"If it counts for anything at all, I believe you to be fierce even when you are not being harmful." Her eyes darted up to his briefly. "Any love I might bear you remains, even so. More so, perhaps. One needn't exist for the other to be there."

[thelostprince]

He held one hand up, in apology and defence. "I did not mean to complain," he said. "Simply that I think you exert more awareness for things than most of our companions and comrades back home, and that you are easily loved." Then his lips quirked into a smile, amused at her. "I was complimenting you again. You see what I mean, when I say you never notice?"

He shifted on the grass, which was slowly getting trampled down to accommodate their bodies, and held the cold wine bottle, already beginning to sweat, out to her. He met her eyes and for a moment he remembered, very easily, how he had once found her so distant he could not find the courage to even reach for her, years ago. Now it was so, so easy, and that was difficult to comprehend because for another moment it felt like nothing had really changed. But then he remembered he had, and she certainly had, and he was thinking about ghosts.

"More so?" he echoed. "It pleases me to hear it."

[bornagoddess]

The first part was, undoubtedly, a compliment which put a smile on Sif's face, though the last made her snicker humorlessly. "I am not easily loved. I daresay I am not easy to love, either. In many circles I am merely tolerated, you know this." And it maddened her beyond belief that this was only so due to whom she associated herself with. If not for the endorsement of the royal family Sif doubted even tolerance was something she would encounter so often. Perhaps it was her unwavering nature, the way she never backed down even when expected or coerced to. Perhaps it was merely that certain things took actual centuries getting used to for some people. It did not much matter. Sif decided to focus, instead, on the compliment she had been paid. She offered Loki a smile. "I noticed. Belatedly, but I noticed."

Taking the wine bottle from Loki's hands Sif tapped her fingers against the cold glass, once again almost surprised by the talents she kept forgetting Loki had for the cold. She took a sip, a small one, licking her lips as the liquid ran down her body with a welcomed tinge of freshness. While it ran its course Sif thought back to when, if such a thing as their fingers touching briefly as they had during the bottle exchange happened, she would feel as electric as Mjolnir when Thor called down thunder. Sif remembered clearly never quite being able to look at Loki in the face for hours after one of those moments, but always looking for him in any given room. As her mind took flight Sif wondered if anything would have been different had she not made such a point to shut herself off when such feelings made themselves noticed. Possibly not. A man like Loki would likely not go for a woman like her, and why would he? They were, after all, fundamentally different. And yet, she couldn't help but think, fundamental differences was what made their relationship fun. Exhausting, but fun. She snickered to herself at the thought, handing the bottle back to Loki.

"Does it?" She asked simply.

[thelostprince]

"I also know that those circles are not any you need ever concern yourself with," Loki replied, easily enough. Through no political machination of her own had Sif gotten in such good graces, a favourite of his parents and a jewel in Asgard's forces. Loki understood that well enough, especially now that he had learned his place in the royal family could only be partially considered birthright - royal blood, yes, but not the right type of royalty. But Sif had earned her place, through what his family had considered valuable, through what others valued. Loki was simply the spoils of war.

If Sif was not popular with some, they clearly had priorities that were of no use to Asgard. Still, he did understand, for Loki himself would never be as well loved as his brother, now more than ever. At least Sif hadn't the taste of competition to work away under her skin.

Love, that feeling of regard and respect and affection that could be so easily admitted to - and then love as that terrible and debilitating emotion. From Sif, Loki could enjoy both. Though he knew she meant the former, it was impossible to not also understand that subtle undercurrent in her words, where if Loki tried he could hear what he wanted to hear, and confuse it with reality. "Yes," he said, easily. He relaxed back on one elbow, stretching his legs out and turning his face up to the sun for a moment. "Perhaps I'm doing something right, then."

[bornagoddess]

"I do good work of remembering that most of the time." Sif replied, looking away. While not something that made much of a dent after so many years having proven herself a capable warrior, there were still times where Sif was bothered by little insecurities stemming from the doubt she still saw in a few pairs of eyes. She had proven herself, proven them all wrong, and yet still some viewed her as some kind of defective being. Most of the time, she turned her chin up and let them speak. Eventually they came to either thank her in person or, she was sure, be thankful to her regardless. It still gnawed at her, when she let it.

Though if she had been privy to Loki's thoughts on competition, she would have laughed bitterly. Because Sif had not been born competitive, she had been forced to become it. It was merely a matter of it not being constantly so close to home as Loki's, thus not as present.

Not very long ago Sif would say with utmost certainty that she meant the kind of love that was made up of affection and respect. And, due to recent-past events, sadness and some anger. However since spending more time with Loki - this Loki, a friend but not yet a monster - things of the past had resurfaced. Not that Sif did anything but pretend very effectively that they were not, in fact, tugging at her this very moment. "I don't know," she replied, as non-committally as she could manage. "From my point-of-view, you are. From yours, I suppose it depends on how much value mine has for you."

[thelostprince]

"That is what I mean," Loki said, his voice soft and mild, as if the sunlight had melted it slightly. "I am glad you find more affection for me. That suggests my own behaviour is to blame, unless you have suddenly become much less stubborn than usual."

In reality, Loki's cares about others' opinions of him were starting to become much more fluid. Some days he found he cared very much; others he couldn't give a damn, and it also depended on the person. Thor's opinion of him, for example, was flunctuating so violently along Loki's list of priorities he had almost done away with it alltogether. Sif upset him less, annoyed him less. Loki felt more readily able to hang onto her, for the time being. As for the world at large, Loki have given up being concerned with its viewpoint of him alltogether.

As to the thought he was changing for the better, well. He supposed that wasn't such a big surprise, nor something he was wary of. Loki had been unhappy as he was on Asgard, and that was as good an indication as any that he could not remain in stasis, he needed to move forward. He was settling into it again, which served as a warning. He didn't think he was done yet.

[bornagoddess]

The softness in Loki's voice did not go unnoticed, or unappreciated. Sif had always been partial to the huskier, more mellow quality of it, working so well with Loki's silver tongue. She knew it to be a dangerous combination but then her wits had never left her enough for her to be unable to appreciate it with objectivity. "I don't bear more love for you when you aren't causing serious harm, Loki. Rather, I find it difficult to love you at all when you are. It has nothing to do with stubbornness."

And it wasn't that simple either. There was a whole amalgamation of feelings before Sif could ever let go of whatever kind of affection she felt for Loki. That she was finding it so hard to let go was only proof of that. "So, yes. I suppose your behavior is key."

[thelostprince]

"Serious harm," Loki repeated, thoughtfully. "I wonder what kind of serious harm I do. We come from a culture of war and I admit I've always found some difficulty in making the distinction over what it is we should and shouldn't do, in our worlds and in others. That is, I see now that I find difficulty in it. All of the harm my brother has caused over the years, always smoothed over, no matter how brutal it might have been. I wonder what it is I do, that mine is serious, and his is not."

He looked over at her, a wondering look on his face. He wasn't sure it really mattered, and whatever it was that Sif might have to say on the subject, well, he wasn't sure he could entirely trust it anyway. "I suppose I will find out," he said. "Sooner or later." And he would see, as well, if that would cost him her regard.

[bornagoddess]

"Well, perhaps I can help you understand: Trapping your brother on Midgard under false pretenses is harmful. A little less playful mischief, a little more cruelty disguised as the good of all. Lying, deceiving, manipulating those who love you is not quite the festival fun sort either. Levelling an entire town with the Destroyer - I almost died then by the way, I was fully prepared to - is another harmful thing. Wanting to destroy an entire realm, even if it is Jotunheim, is one of the things which I think perhaps you should not do. I don't know, it somehow does not quite sit well with me. And before you ask oh what about Thor I know. He was a fool for trying the first time, and he paid the price." Sif sat up, legs folded one beneath the other, turned entirely to Loki. "Destroying the one method of transportation we have between realms which ensures the protection of them - also not a great thing. Shocking, I know, but it leads to invasions by groups we cease to be able to keep in check. As for the 'distinction': there is war, and then there is genocide. In war both parties agree to it, or at least have some knowledge that it is to happen. Those involved know and are trained for what is to unfold. In genocide, one party lays waste to everything and everyone, innocents upon innocents, while the other party has no hope of even defending itself - due to surprise, poor preparedness or simply because they did not do anything to cause such a thing." She could go on, but she had a feeling it would all fall on deaf ears.

"Your brother has been a horse's arse more times than I have had my hair braided. But whereas his actions stemmed from hubris and foolishness, you knew exactly what you were doing. Did you not? One of the downfalls of being the smartest, most collected person in the room is that you're expected to be so for the duration. As for what we do, we do not attack, we defend. I do, at least. So does your brother - now more than before, I'll admit - but it is what we stand for. It is what I stand for. And as I recall we were talking about my feelings in response to your actions, were we not? I know you can be better than that, if you just let go. You needn't go back to Asgard, you needn't think about us at all. Do what it is you want, find a path, but don't taint yourself further. Don't harm innocents. It's that simple."

There he went again, talking of it as if it was a done deal. An inevitability. Sif had thought, hoped, she might have gotten through to him. But when so little time later he spoke like this, she began wondering if she ever could. "Yes." She replied bitterly. Sif turned away from him, returning to a horizontal position with her slightly moistened eyes to the sky. "I suppose you will."

[thelostprince]

The look Loki gave her, of utter startlement, was real. He hadn't been digging; he hadn't expected Sif to suddenly lambast him with his crimes. It was not that Loki would deny what he had done, of course; he was not ashamed, and to make him feel ashamed would be to cast doubt on all of the feelings that had made him act out in the first place. He had done what he had out of desperation, and loneliness, and need. He would not discount those feelings.

But she was wrong, at that most basic accusation. "I never meant to trap Thor on Midgard," he said. "I only meant to get him into trouble, for father to see his hubris and stop him from occupying the throne. Can you imagine that? What crimes Thor might have been compelled to do had he been allowed to rule? He was never meant to reach Jotunheim. He was never meant to reach Heimdall. We are all guilty in letting him get that far. Myself moreso than others, yes, but it is our guilt. Heimdall should not have let us pass; I was supposed to fail in talking our way through. You'll notice that I did, yet we continued on anyway. And I never expected father's reaction to be so stern."

He leaned closer to her, and there was a flicker of anger in his eyes, but he did not mean to threaten her in any way. He was, simply, suddenly overcome. Her accusations had torn that delicate wrapping which was his composure, and now everything was spilling out while he tried to contain it. "Thor ruined the bridge," he said. "Not I. We are all guilty. I was merely expressing my confusion in telling the difference between Thor's failure to kill frost giants, and my success in that endeavour. And not that you would understand, Sif, but none of my decisions once I ascended the throne were calm or collected and I know that now. My parents lied to me my entire life, my father was incapacitated, and I had accidentally gotten my brother banished forever. I'm sorry you got in the way of it. But I had ordered you not to. In the stubborn way of my family, I had been unable to see an alternative. My path seemed laid out before my feet. And I was angry with you. You wanted me to bring my brother back, to have him usurp my position. You wanted as always to give him the easy way out."

He knew he could not argue her for righteousness - not when he was not even sure of all he had done, all that he would do. And she would not agree with him in any case, he knew that. And slinging his own accusations at her would either fall on deaf ears, or would accomplish nothing, yet he had done it anyway. He reached out and placed his hand on hers, her skin warmed from the sunlight. "My dear Sif," he said, his voice softer, lower, even apologetic. "How worked up you make me. Please." He wasn't sure what he was asking her for, but he wished it.

[bornagoddess]

Sif listened to Loki with a set jaw, the most intense though impartial of expressions upon her face. But it was shortlived. "I know, Loki, but it backfired so monumentally! What kind of arse lets an enemy of old into the vault?! I know the Allfather wasn't going to listen to you if you spoke up, but..." She sighed, a hand on her forehead. "What were we supposed to do? I did remind him that it was forbidden and we all said it was a bad idea but he never listened! And I wasn't going to let you all charge in there without me, if something happened to any of you, what friend would I be? I don't know why Heimdall let us pass other than his own curiosity - which, if not for your meddling wouldn't have been stirred in the first place, might I add. At the end of it all the truth of the matter is, you did keep him there. You were not the reason he was cast out, but you were the reason he remained so. And perhaps next time express your confusion with a little less intention to kill, because I promise you at that time I doubt Thor believed you were anything but truthful in your intention to obliterate the entire realm."

Loki's flash of anger did nothing to intimidate Sif, whose intensity matched his inch for inch. "Not that I would understand?" She scoffed. "I only moments ago voiced my support for you, said you might not make a bad king at all, do you think I have not known for some time that you were not at you best then? Do you simply think I have not noticed every single time you have chilled our drinks with but a touch? Do you think I did not overhear, I did not guess, do you think I would sit here and try to rekindle our friendship if I did not think for a second that perhaps your anger was justified?" She leaned in further. "I do not support you idly, not merely for your pretty face or your way with words. I know what I am about, Loki. I know. Can't you see that what we did, what I did, while more openly for Thor's sake was also for yours?! I was never as sorry as when I had to defy you, but nothing gets between me and what I deem right. Not an entire army, not either of Odin's sons. The throne, at the time, was not my concern. Justice was. You two were. And if you truly did not mean for Thor to be banished then I would have hoped you'd see by now that all I wanted was to bring my friend home where we could all resolve the matter. For the both of you, Loki."

The sudden change in demeanour coupled with the touch of his hand startled Sif, whose face scrunched up in confusion for a moment. She drew a breath as an attempt to curb what emotions ran wild after this brief yet intense argument. The hand under Loki's turned, and she wrapped her fingers tightly around his. "I- I am afraid, Loki. I have seen you lost, I have lost you before. More than once. To be here now and not try to stop that from happening again would be a sin." She looked away. "And yet I am failing miserably."

[thelostprince]

Loki raised his free hand, waving it slightly, as if he could wave away all of their words, which were settling around them, piling up. The way she clutched at his hand was almost painful, but he returned the gesture, because for a moment he was so confused he could think of nothing else to do. But it was a good decision, he thought, a moment later. The right one.

"I don't wish to upset you," he said. "And believe me, when I want to upset someone, I am hell-bent on accomplishing it. I am clumsy around you, though. If you want to tell me my follies, then I will listen. But you've no obligation to discuss them if you would prefer not to. I can see it only upsets you."

"You are the only person really trying, and I appreciate it," he said. "You must understand, though, I know very little of my future. If our positions were reversed, I would try to understand how painful it would be for you, to know that everyone else knows your future, and yet I would only feed you small tidbits, and work away at your past because I understand it's relevance to your future, while you do not. You are not failing. I ask for your patience but I will not ask for your trust. I do not think anyone is willing to give me that, these days.

"Your blame hurts, though. I do not need you to list out that which I already know. You must let me come to my own conclusions about things. That's all I was trying to say earlier."

[bornagoddess]

"I am no shrinking violet, Loki, we have both lived long enough not to let serious matters upset us. Or not to let it get in the way." This was not about her. Not entirely. Sif shook her head, looking down at their hands. It was difficult, it was all a mess. Sif did not know whether to fully disclose Loki's future as she had lived it, or leave it off entirely. She did not know whether to simply cherish him while she could, or try to make it not such a finite amount of time. And when she heard him plead after a fashion that she try to understand, that she was hurting him, Sif felt ashamed. Her voice was faint, throatier than usual. "I do not wish to pour salt on your wounds, that is not what this is about."

She finally looked up at him, a pleading look on her face. "I understand, and I am sorry for making it more difficult. But I can't...I don't know what I should and should not say, I only know I cannot pretend nothing happened, Loki. I cannot pretend three years did not go by and that in those three years a decade's worth of events did not take place. Life-changing events. So I tried to give you my view of things, as you said perhaps your past weaves into your future." She loosened the grip around his hand, not removing her hand completely from his. "I apologize. I am sorry for reiterating what I am sure others have been more than forthcoming about. Repeatedly. Though I had to try, the best way I knew how. From the second I realized you were real I got it into my head that I had to try. I am scared your conclusions will always be bitter. Always lead you further away into revenge, madness, isolation. I spoke to Thor, he believes as I do that there is hope. Perhaps your fate is not sealed despite what we have seen and lived."

There was a wetness in her eyes again, the kind that never quite formed tears, and Sif id her best to look dignified while it manifested itself as she was looking Loki squarely in the face. It was the stark and final acceptance of a realization that had been lurking in the back of her mind a while now. As Loki said, and as Thor had said earlier, he had to be the one to make up his own mind. Sif could not presume to lead him towards a more agreeable path by sheer force of will, or indeed any other type of force. "I am truly done with this subject, I swear to you. You will not hear any more pleading from me. I shall remain your friend, as good a friend as I can, and make up for the times when I simply wasn't that. And when you do choose to meet your destiny, at least we won't part ways abruptly. Will we?"

In the back of her mind, some part of Sif was screaming, wanting to grab him by the head and repeat Why won't you understand you will be dead to me long before you are dead at all and that a tiny part of me dies with you? until he understood. But things were never, ever that simple. Nor was it to simply admit out loud how much she truly cared. It wasn't just a friend she might be losing, it was a whole separate notion, most of it fantasized, where they could have been more than that to each other and happy for it. It never left the recesses of Sif's mind, and never would, but it would become decrepit and half-dead like everything else. Not a fond memory that never came to pass, but a bitter, hurtful one.

[thelostprince]

"No," Loki said, offering her a faint smile. "I find shrinking violet to be the worst possible description of you."

He looked down at their hands, his slightly paler than hers, and carefully wrapped his fingers around hers. Her palms were calloused and rough, so distinctly her. It struck him that he was touching her in a way they certainly werent used to, and even in the throes of emotion he realized how strange it was, and yet she seemed fine with it, she wasn't pulling away from him. Sif, who always seemed so strong and separate, untouchable. He was holding her hand. "Perhaps I can be thankful that your vision of the future allows you, in some stretch, to forgive me my sins," he said. "I have done badly to you in the past, and I apologise for it. I won't do it again."

Her offer of friendship was so tangible; it seemed more real to him than Thor's pleading as his brother. Perhaps because when Loki spoke he felt that Sif listened, while Thor shut him down, accused him of manipulation or anything like it. It was difficult. He knew Sif disagreed with him, but at least she heard him. Odd, how simply acknowledging him meant more than validating him.

"It may be abrupt, but not permanent," he said. "For the companionship you've shown me, I promise that at least. I will keep you in my thoughts when the path proves rough, and maybe I will be the better for it. Better for you, and my mother, and all of my companions." Because, Loki knew, that was something he had managed to create, in the Nexus - a strange network, a collection of people he may not have otherwise engaged with, who he found himself thinking about, who were climbing slowly in importance. And the way she was looking at him, now, compelled him to do right by her, at least. He found it difficult, now, when people appealed to a humanity he had hoped he had let go of, falling from the Bifrost. It let itself known, violently, and all the old ideas of honour and valour which, truly, he did hold dear, came back out of the darkness. "And maybe when I come back I will have a different future to tell you. How is that for a promise?"

[bornagoddess]

Throughout the entirety of Loki wrapping his fingers around hers Sif stared down at their hands, disbelief and endearment entwining as their fingers did. It was an unexpected development, though more so was the fact that she was making no movement to pull away from this contact. Loki was not the type to revel in physical displays of affection, not likely to scoop you up into a one-armed hug as Thor was known to do, and before now the best she had gotten out of him had been a gentle pat on the back. Sif herself was not the type to display her affections in a physical way, though she did display everything else that way. With this turn of events she found herself thrown between familiarity and the complete unknown, realizing then that it was exactly that mixture which characterized how she had always seen him.

When Sif finally spoke her voice was much softer than it had been in a while, certainly in any interaction she had had with Loki. "I believe in you, beyond the monsters lurking in your past and in your future." Though it was not herself Sif was truly concerned for. Loki's self-destruction left a trail that went for a good while before his final fall, and she wanted neither of those things to happen. Still, an apology, a display of consideration for her feelings - it was more than she had truly expected. And so, she smiled faintly, nodding in acceptance.

With certainty, Loki promised that his absence would not be permanent. However Sif wondered just how much control he would truly have. She remembered Thor's description of him, sickly and mind-addled while trying to rule over Midgard, smiles replaced by cruel grimaces of pain. Above all, pain. "See that you do. I know not for certain what you shall find but I can guess at the pain. If thinking of me - of us - aids you in not succumbing to it, keep that image." She squeezed his hand, leaning closer to him without noticing. "Normally I am not fond of promising any man - anyone - that I will wait for them. But then," She snickered. "I have naught but time, waiting for anything will not mean my wasting it. And we have this place. So I will not forget your promise, and I will not forget you."